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by Maha Al Aswad

“You are still in my heart and in the back of my head. What am I going to do with that? I don’t know. What is going to happen? I have no idea. But I am happy for the moment and going to leave it like that.

I reached reconciliation with myself and accepted the fact that you are still there. Managed to remove all the negative feelings attached to it like despair and expectations.

I managed to neutralize it. Don’t get me wrong. The feelings are still there. I just managed to keep myself from their haunting coming-backs.

I love you. A FACT. Exactly like the very fact that humans have to breath and get rid of human waste in order to live.  The only difference is that I don’t “have” to do it. It happens naturally- and I can bluntly claim that I can live with or without it. It is just in my veins. I am effortlessly living your love.

The happy fact about it is that when it comes to an end it will also happen unconsciously, naturally, effortlessly- and with no known reasons.  It won’t come accompanied with withdrawal symptoms. Like any natural process in the human body, it will end without you knowing what exactly happened.  Yet, I have to affirm that it is not a state of denial. I know we can’t be together. Too much of a troubled past that we can both overcome. It is just that love rarely depends on logical explanations.

You are there. I am living your love, you are incarnated in every book I read, every news I hear, every line I write, every face I see, every laugh I hear, every step I take. You are there, but at the same time –  you are not, but I couldn’t care less. I managed to defeat the insane urge to know whether you think of me as I do. It is useless now. Wouldn’t change a thing.  I love you and I don’t care. I don’t want to do anything with it. Go away, travel, immigrate, fall in love, get married, end your very existence on this Earth. My feelings belong to me and to me only. Like a dream you were, and like a dream you shall remain”.

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As he stood up, feeling the rush in his veins calling for the ordinary caffeine-nicotine doze, he paused for a moment and smiled.

He didn’t hesitate, pressed shift+delete for the file he just saved carelessly on his desktop. Poor ‘Doc1’.  Maybe it wasn’t lucky enough to lead a long happy “digital file life”, but he hoped it knew that it wasn’t personal. Enough for it to know that he memorized every word. He had them in his heart, in the back of his head.